Why you, Francie?
Why?
It'd have broken your poor mother's heart.
I'm sorry, Mr. Leddy.
When I was a young lad, 20 or 30 or 40 years ago...
...I lived in a town where they were all after me...
...on account of what I had done on Mrs. Nugent.
If she hadn't poked her nose in between me and Joe...
...everything would have been all right.
Me Geronimo. Who are you?
Sitting Bull.
Let's do a war cry.
Now look around for white man.
Of all the wrong things I done, I suppose the apples were the first.
They started all the trouble.
And Francie Brady didn't need any old snake to give him one.
He robbed them himself.
- Francie! - Come on, Joe. Come on.
What do you mean, come on?
Come on, it's not that high.
- Don't worry, kemosabe, I got you. - Oh, fuck.
Come on, Francie, get a move on. Come on!
Yeah, all right, Joe.
How many have we got now?
Just keep shaking, Francie.
- I'll shake the living shit out of her, Joe. - Another 1 00 and we're right.
- Nugents aren't gonna get the better of us. - No way, boy.
And who butts in, only Phillip Nugent...
...his head full of amazing facts, like the boiling point of water...
...and the number of eyes on a fly head.
Sure, it's yourself, Phillip, isn't it?
Doing a bit of reading, now?
Comics, Francie.
We've got to have them, Joe.
Tell you what, Phillip. We'll swap.
One of your ma's Cox's Pippins for all of them comics.
It's only fair, Phillip.
Now, Joe, he isn't really that bad.
- What are you doing? Get out! - Jesus, Francie, it's Mrs. Nugent.
- Run, Joe, run! - Fuck!
It has got nothing to do with knowing kids or anything else!
I knew the kind of you lot long before I went to England.
- Well... - And I should've had more sense...
...than to let my Phillip near the likes of him.
I mean, not that it's the poor child's fault.
What do you expect from a house where the father's never in?
Lying about in pubs from morning till night.
He's no better than a pig!
It is small wonder that the boy is the way he is.
What chance has he got, living in a pigsty?
But if he's seen near my Phillip again, there'll be trouble. Mark my words.
Pigs!
That's all youse are!
The whole town knows that.
Pigs.
It's that old Mrs. Nugent. What are we gonna do about her?
I don't know, but be Christ, I know what I'm going to do with you!
Stop it, Jim. Will you stop it, please?
Well, I don't know if me da was a pig or not...
...but one thing she was right about, he sure could drink.
He was the best drinker in the town.
...and how. Man has realized his dream.
Now he must control it.
What would you do, Joe, if you won a million billion trillion dollars?
I'd buy a million billion trillion Flash bars, Francie.
Hey, fish, do you know what I'm going to tell you?
Fuck off.
Now, fish, what do you think of that?
Hey, come back with my arrow.
Do you know you were only 5 pounds weight...
...when you were born, Francie?
Ma...
...what's the chair doing on the table?
You'd never let me down, Francie, would you?
You know I wouldn't, Ma.
I'm away off up the town now, Francie.
I have to get the baking started for your Uncle Alo's Christmas party.
You dropped your tablets, Ma.
Dr. Boyd said they'd cure me.
I think they're making me worse.
Come on, Annie.
I'm so sorry.
Well, there you go, Joe. That's Ma off on her travels, then.
Where is she off to, Francie?
They say she had a breakdown, Joe.
What's a breakdown?
That's when you're took off to the garage, when the truck comes and tows you away.
I'll tell you, there's some craic in this town.
There sure is. The garage.
"Hand me down a spanner, eh, Mike? I think Mrs. Brady's ankle needs tightening."
Joe.
Do you think the one-armed man did it?
Well, you know, he probably did.
That bastard. I'm gonna kill him.
Now, the thing about Mrs. Nugent is she came back from England...
...with all these airs and graces and walked around as if she owned the town.
But here's one little pig that's going to teach her different.
There you are, Mrs. Nugent and Phillip.
- Just let me by, please. - Of course, but that'll be a shilling.
- A shilling? - Yeah.
- What are you talking about? - And half for Phillip.
So there's 1 shilling for you and sixpence for Phillip, all together one and six.
One and six, please.
You don't have to pay money to go by here.
Sorry, Mrs. Nugent, but a tax is a tax.
If you don't pay it, it's not gonna be fair for everybody else, is it?
Tax? What are you talking about, tax?
The pig toll tax, Mrs. Nugent.
I've work to do, I can't sit about here all day.
So come on, now, 1 shilling plus sixpence.
Would you run away home now and stop all this nonsense?
Tell you what, Mrs. Nugent.
I'll let you go this time, but you remember, now...
...in future, you make sure you have that pig toll tax ready.
And I ain't fooling, Mrs. Nooge.
Do you know what it is? It's a bad state of affairs...
...when people won't pay a tax to get by.
- What tax is that, now, Francie? - Don't you start with me, Joe.
Thank you, Mr. Leddy.
I swear, it was mad...
Hello, Mr. Leddy.
Francie.
There you are, now, ladies.
Francie, there you are.
Well, I'm nowhere else, ladies.
Could I have two tins of sardines and a loaf of bread?
- How's your mother, Francie? - She's flying.
She's in the garage and it won't be long till she's home. They'll give her a service.
"Hand me down a spanner, Mike. I think Mrs. Brady's head needs tightening."
Francie. Francie, that's a good one.
Keeping the home fires burning, Francie?
The incredible Francie Brady.
Now, if you ladies will excuse me...
...I must be off up to town on toll-tax business.
Toll tax? I never heard of that, Francie. What would that be?
It's invented by me. But of course, Nugent won't pay it.
You might as well try to get blood from stone.
- Nugent? Mrs. Nugent? - Be it on her own head...
...she'll not get by so easy the next time... - Getting by? Getting by where, Francie?
On the footpath, where else?
There's no denying it, Francie, you're a rare character.
I know.
It's a dud. It's a dud from the day we got it.
A fucking dud, Da, that's what it is.
I should have known better than to trust the likes of Traynor.
He'll not sell me a dud television and get away with it.
Work!
Be Christ, it'll not best me!
"Your father was a great man one time, " they'd say.
Be Christ, a great musician.
He could have been someone. Sure, hadn't he met Eddie Calvert?
"And who the fuck is Eddie Calvert?" I'd ask them.
Well, that's the end of the cowboys, I guess.
Da, there's nothing but dry bread in the house.
There's not even a rasher.
Are you deaf?
I guess it's all down to Francie now.
The incredible Francie Brady.
No more cowboys, Joe.
Cowboys, good luck.
Why not, Francie?
Da. He fixed the telly good and proper.
We won't be seeing John Wayne around here again.
Hack at a bit of ice, there, Francie, go on.
Hacking away, boys?
Hacking away, now, Father.
That's a cold one. Would you say that's a cold one, young Brady?
I'd say it's the coldest yet.
- The coldest yet, he says. - He does.
He does.
How's your father?
The best. Never better.
Good, good, and your mother will be home soon?
She will. She'll be back on the road by Christmas.
She has to get the cakes ready for Uncle Alo's party.
Uncle Alo. Now, this town should be proud of him.
Your mother told me about the great job he has in London.
Aye, 1 0 men under him.
Well, I best be off.
I have the good Lord here for Benny Maguire.
Good luck, now.
What does Benny Maguire want with the good Lord?
I think he fell off his buckrake.
Them buckrakes are a curse.
Richard Kimble ponders his fate as he looks at the world for the last time...
...and sees only darkness.
But in that darkness, fate moves its huge hand.
Go on, fugitive. Go on, run!
You're only a hoppity bastard, one-armed man.
Yeah, hoppity bollocks.
- At least Richard Kimble has two arms. - The Fugitive.
Fuck! It's the hoppity bitch!
Now, if there's one thing worse than a pig...
...it's a bogman up from the country for the day to do the Christmas shopping.
We'd see them in the cafe with their caps and their boots and their bony arses.
They called it dancing. It looked more like wading through manure.
What's that dance they're doing, Francie?
It's called the bogman tango, Joe.
The bogman tango?
Out with the backside, up with the nose.
Well, here's me face and me arse is coming.
The incredible Joe Purcell, ladies and gentlemen...
...and his partner, Francie Brady.
The bogman tango.
- Francie! - Ma! Hi, Ma!
Look at you, God!
Ma, by cripes, that must be some garage, sergeant.
- Back on the road, better than ever, Ma? - Better than ever.
Come on, I've got something to show you. Come on, now.
Thank you, sergeant, for taking me home.
Anything we can do for you, Annie. You know that.
Thank you.
Come on, Ma. Come on.
I've got a surprise for us.
Back from the garage, there was no holding Ma.
Whiz here one minute, there the next, and hadn't she bought the bogman record...
...they were playing in the cafe, and that's when the buns began.
Uncle Alo was coming home for Christmas from his big job in London...
...and the house started filling up with cakes and buns for the Christmas party.
Cakes, cakes, cakes.
Buns, buns, buns.
My ma, the bun woman.
I ask you, Joe, how many cakes can Uncle Alo eat?
Beats the hell out of me, compadre.
I see what you mean.
- See you, Joe. - See you, Francie.
Well, if I heard that "Butcher Boy" once, I heard it a hundred times.
And if she said to me, "Would you like to hear it again?"...
...I know what I would have said: "No, thank you. "
I couldn't even get a ham sandwich!
I'm fucking starving!
Is that what they do to you in the garage, Ma?
Turn you into a cake machine?
Alo loves cakes.
If it's one thing your uncle loves, it's cake.
And butterfly buns.
You're right. I'll make some more.
The men. Hard at it.
- Hard at it, he says. - He does.
I don't suppose there's room for an old fellow like myself?
Sure, any amount, Father.
So nothing strange, anyway, lads?
I tell you, if Uncle Alo doesn't come soon, the house is gonna burst.
How's it going to burst, Francie?
With cakes. Not to mention butterfly buns.
Oh, nothing but the best for Uncle Alo.
Coming all the way from his job in London.
Ten men under him.
Uncle Alo! Fuck!
- Merry Christmas, Father. - God bless you, now.
- See you, Joe. - See you, Francie.
Aye. I don't know what they must've thought of us.
A right-looking tribe to be landing in Bundoran.
Not to mention this man here. Wasn't he the star of the show?
Playing the trumpet every night for them below in the parlor.
- Am I right, Annie? - Oh, that's right, surely, Alo.
I heard, now, I heard all about it. Isn't that right, Charlie?
Oh, indeed it is.
The sun shone out of Benny Brady for Mrs. Thompson.
The lovebirds, she used to call them.
- Aye, the lovebirds. The bucking lovebirds. - Alo.
Aye, and he played the trumpet every night of the honeymoon.
Isn't that right, Benny?
Well, I daresay I played a few wee tunes, all right.
Indeed you did, and that's not all. Would I be right, Charlie?
You're right, all right. Look at this here, girls, look.
Bold Benny, myself and Annie were going along the beach.
- God. - And comes out this fellow. "Two and six."
"Two and six," says the man, "and you can be king of the jungle."
Well, I tell you, girls, you've never seen the like of it.
Benny here with his head stuck out through the cardboard hole...
...and the body of Tarzan on him.
And he was shouting, "I'll get you, McGlone," he says.
- "I'll get you!" - "I'll get you, McGlone."
"I'll get you!"
Is that true, Da? You in the Tarzan's body?
Some Tarzan now.
Some Jane.
Oh, man. It was the best holiday May and me ever spent, do you know that?
And for you pair of tricksters to come along on your honeymoon.
Will you ever forget it, Benny?
- Oh, no. - Tarzan Brady. God, you're an awful man.
"Me Tarzan, you Jane," was it?
Come on, we'll sing.
- And what? - "Beautiful Bundoran."
Bundoran, right.
Thank you.
- Take two. - Good night, now.
Another wee drop before we go.
The night is young yet, eh, Benny?
Well, man, dear every time I think of it.
The pair of you standing there with your heads sticking out the holes.
- Tarzan and Jane bucking Brady. - Shut up about it. Shut up about it, now.
Sure, Benny. I'm only codding.
A bit of a song?
- There's been enough singing. - Whatever happened to Joe Reilly? Do...?
- Who do you think you're fooling, Alo? - Joe was a rare character.
Look at him with his wee red hankie. Did the wife iron it for you?
- Benny, don't let it happen again. - I warned him!
Carrying on with Mary like some schoolboy halfwit.
Hadn't the guts to ask her to marry him. Married Winnie!
It was a grand party, but to tell you the truth, I was getting tired.
Singing's all right, singing's grand, but five "Beautiful Bundorans "...
...is enough for me, not to mention two "Old Bogroads "...
...and one "Never Do a Tango With an Eskimo. "
Don't blame it on him. Don't blame Alo because you were put in a home!
Jesus, Benny, let it end.
- Ahem, excuse me. - Well, I best be off soon.
Yes, it's me, Francie, I do believe I should be off...
...to Slumberdown Mansions, if you please.
I've had rather a long day, begging your pardon.
But might as well be talking to the wall as trying to tell them it was time for bed.
May the curse of Christ light upon you, you bitch!
The day I took you out of that hole of a shop in Derry...
...was a bitter one for me.
Sick of him! Sick of him! I'm sick of him!
- Please tell me again, I want to hear this... - Follow you...
Yes, I do believe I shall be off on my travels.
"Excuse me, did you happen to see Mr. Francis Brady, by any chance?"
"I'm sorry, old bean, but I really wouldn't know.
I hope he's not gone traveling through the wastes of space and time...
...with Algernon Carruthers. "
Don't you worry, kemosabe. I'll be back.
You haven't seen the last of Francito Brady.
You understand me, Senor Joe?
Sure, them Communists are taking Kennedy for a ride.
There's only one way to deal with the likes of them boys.
You go in first.
One bomb is all it takes.
Wonder how many nuns they'd interfere with then.
- That'll settle them, wouldn't it? - Indeed, by Christ, it would.
I'd knock seven different kinds of shite out of that Khrushchev bastard.
Go on, Khrushchev, you bastard.
Is this really Dublin?
Yeah, it is. Where'd you think it was, for Jesus' sake?
"For Jesus' sake."
The way they're crossing that bridge, you'd think someone said:
"Excuse me, but I'm gonna let off an atomic bomb any minute now. "
- There you go. - Thanks, mum.
Thank you. There's damn all wrong with the Communists.
- They're no worse than the rest of them. - Now you said it, missus.
Two sons in England.
You'd think they'd send you a couple of shillings.
Not if it was to save their own lives.
What's your name, son?
Algernon Carruthers.
I knew by the look of you you had manners.
You'd send a couple of shillings.
You'd look after your mother.
Will you stop talking about mothers and get me them chips?
I do not have time to talk to women with beards about mothers...
...if you don't mind.
That's one shilling, Algernon.
There you go.
- I'm off. - Bye.
- Smoked cod and chips. - All right, sir.
You people have small eyes.
You are unable to grasp the importance of today's events...
There was one of them aliens.
He had a human body he stole off a snotty-nosed doctor.
But you knew by the cut of him that inside, he was Mrs. Nugent.
No, only joking.
Inside, he was a fat green blob with arms like an octopus and his face all scales.
Steve!
Come on, youse alien bastards. One bomb is all it takes.
It's 2 pound 1 0 for the Irish cottage, sonny.
The thing about running away from home is you can't bring your mother with you.
It'd be grand if you could, but I'm sorry, old bean, that's just not the way it is.
I hope your mother likes the present, son.
Don't worry. She will.
The good Lord does his harvesting and forgets no one.
True enough.
You best get off here, son.
- Come on. - Thanks anyway.
Hello.
Good Lord does his harvesting and forgets no one.
God love you, son.
Ma.
Ma!
Joe.
Francie, where were you?
Look what I got her, Joe.
Look what I got her.
Well, your mother's with her lady now, Francie...
...and she'll look after her.
And she'll look after you too, Francie, if you pray to her every day.
Good boy.
Benny.
Get a good rest for yourself, now.
And make sure Francie gets a good rest too.
God bless.
They found her at the bottom of the river near the madhouse.
Wasn't enough to put her there, was it?
You had to wreck her funeral too.
You can do one bad thing, can't you, Joe?
You can do one bad thing.
But that doesn't mean for the rest of your life, everyone's gonna say:
"He did it, it's him. He did the bad thing."
No.
And even if they did say that, what we'd say is that we don't care.
We were too busy.
That's what we would say. We'd say, "Excuse us. Too busy."
Yeah, and we'd say, "Mind your own business."
I hope he's proud of himself now, the pig.
After what he's done on his poor mother.
Music, music, music.
What's that Phillip Nugent got to do with music?
Nothing, that's what.
That's some music case, Phillip.
Francie, I have to go. I'm late.
Phillip, do you like me?
Yes, but I have to go.
Because I like you. I think you're a smashing chap.
- Do you think I'm a smashing chap, Phillip? - Yes.
- Excuse me, but do you mean, "Oh, yes"? - Yes.
- Go on, then. Say it. - Say what?
For God's sake, Phillip, just say, "Oh, yes. I think you are a smashing chap."
Oh, yes. I think you are a smashing chap.
I know I am, Phillip.
And that is some music case. Think I could have a look at it?
- I don't know. My mother says... - I don't think I like you now.
No, Francie. Here, take it. You can have it.
Thank you, Phillip. You really are a smashing chap.
You know, I might be a pig.
But I can still be your friend, no matter what Mrs. Nooge says.
Yes, Francie.
- What am l, Phillip? - You really are a smashing chap.
Thank you.
You know, I'm sorry I stole your comics.
But now that we're getting on like a house on fire...
...l'm gonna give them back to you. - Are you, Francie?
On one condition: that you don't tell anybody...
...where you got them, okay?
- Okay. - Okay. Let's go, partner.
It was dark inside that chicken house, with all them chicks going burble-burble...
...and Phillip going, "Francie, it's dark in here. "
Francie, it's dark in here.
It sure is, Phillip, but don't worry, it'll be worth it when you see those comics.
- Francie, is that where they are? - Right here.
Francie, what are you doing?
- Francie, why? - "Francie, why are you doing this?"
Francie, why?
You had to go and do it again, you...
Francie, no!
You've done it now. You've really gone and done it now.
But, Joe, I missed him. I only pretended to hit him.
You did, like fuck.
Phillip, you're gonna go home and tell your mother...
...you fell off the apple tree, do you hear me?
We've had her coming after us before and we don't want it again.
- Do you hear me? - Yes, Joe.
Jesus, Francie, why didn't you let me know?
- I'm sorry, Joe. - Get in there.
All right, kneel down, will you?
You've got to promise.
You've got to swear by the blood of the Apache that you'll never go near him again!
I swear, Joe.
- By the blood of the Apache. - By the blood of the Apache.
Now give me your hand. Give me your hand.
Joe! What'd you do that for?
Jesus.
All right, give me your hand, will you?
Give me your hand, will you?
Blood brothers, Francie, until the end of time.
Until the end of time, Joe.
As long as you swear never to go near him again.
I won't, Joe.
Blood brothers, Francie.
Blood brothers, Joe.
- Hey, a fish. - Fish.
- Fuck off! - Now, fish, he's certainly telling you...
Well, the fish fucked off, all right, but Mrs. Nugent didn't.
Her and her two bogman brothers came along to teach me a lesson.
- I'll hold him down till he drowns. - We've no argument against you, Purcell.
But that little bleeder has me sister's nerves in tatters.
Take Phillip's comics, would you? You'd go for him on your own?
You'll never touch a Nugent again, I swear.
That's the end of your gallop.
Let him go!
Come on, boy. Come on, will you?
Wake up. Wake up.
- Francie. - A little gulp of water never hurt.
- You've done it now. Come on. - Look what you've done!
- Now, come on. Come on. - Look what you've done!
- Come on. - What has she got us into now?
- It wasn't my idea. - It's done. Look what you've done.
Francie, please. Come on, Francie.
Please, Francie, come on.
Please, Francie, come on. Please. Plea...
That's a lesson, Joe. Never trust that Phillip Nugent.
Oh, Jesus, what the hell did you do that for?
What do you want?
You know, Mrs. Nugent, I have ears, you know?
I said, what do you want?
You see, I just have to see Phillip.
Phillip is doing his lessons.
Tell him it's a very important matter, Mrs. Nugent.
Phillip, amazing facts!
The moon, 90 million miles away. And the Colorado beetle.
- Did you ever hear of him, Mrs. Nugent? - No, I didn't.
Watch out for him, Mrs. Nugent. He's a disaster.
Beware of the Colorado beetle, Phillip. And you think pigs are bad?
There's damned hell wrong with pigs. At least he wouldn't eat your house or you.
You see, Mrs. Nugent, a pig just can't do it.
Cakes.
Phillip, just where have you been? Your uncles gave me a right going-over.
Get out. Get out.
Well, I never seen such pushing and shoving as went on that day.
They were about the worst pushers I had ever seen.
Mrs. Nugent, I just don't know what I'm gonna do with you.
It was the cakes that clinched it.
I didn't know Mrs. Nugent was a bun woman too.
Mrs. Nugent, the most famous bun woman of all time, I do believe.
Welcome to Nugent's, Mr. Francie Brady.
Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.
It gives me great pleasure to be standing here...
...on these black and white tiles in the scullery of Mrs. Nugent.
Oh, not at all, Francie, we're delighted to have you.
Now, you must meet everyone.
Sure, don't I know them all.
Your husband, Mr. Ten-Ton-Hoppity-Bollocks...
...and your son, Phillip!
God, I have to hand it to you, Mrs. Nugent, when it come to polishing.
Flies? Not in your house, Mrs. Nooge.
Any cakes are under lock and key, where Mr. Fly and his cronies can't get at them.
A submarine bomb exploded in a harbor might affect a city.
The affected area would be a poor picnic site.
Amazing facts.
But do you think those Nugents would ever pay attention?
Amazing facts is wasted on that lot.
Good heavens, Phillip, you're not listening.
Right, that's it. Write it out 20 times, now: "Phillip is a pig. "
Phillip is a pig. Phillip is a pig.
Phillip, Phillip, Phillip is a pig.
- Phillip is a pig. - It's a bomb. Duck and cover.
Tony knows a bomb can explode any time of the year, day or night.
Duck and cover. We must be ready every day, all the time.
It's a bomb. Duck and cover.
Duck and cover. Attaboy...
Right, then. Enough about bombs.
Today we're going to do the farmyard.
Now, can anyone tell me what animals we find in the farmyard?
Cows?
Cows, yes, indeed. We do find cows.
- Sheep? - And what else?
- Pigs. - Pigs. You are absolutely right, Phillip.
And what do pigs do, Phillip?
They run round the farmyard.
- Any takers at the back? - They give us rashers?
That's true, but that's not the answer I'm looking for.
Mrs. Nugent, I can tell it's coming.
- They do... - No, Mrs. Nugent, out with it.
That's not good enough. What do pigs do?
How many times do I have to go over it?
Now, Mrs. Nugent, don't be shy.
You can do it.
Five, four, three, two, one.
Come along.
Mrs. Nugent. Catch anything?
Well, that Mrs. Nugent.
How was I to run a proper pig school with all these interruptions?
Disgusting boy!
Disgusting!
Thank Christ your poor mother isn't here to see this.
No, she's in the lake, and it was me who put her there.
Francie. It was just a mistake, Francie, wasn't it?
You didn't touch Phillip Nugent, did you?
- Get in there, now. - Joe, I'm innocent. I didn't mean any harm.
Just wanted a piece of cake.
Blood brothers, Francie, until the end of time.
Until the end of time, Joe.
Joe! Joe!
Why'd you have to do it, son?
Why'd you have to do the likes of that?
Up she rose out of nowhere, the house with a hundred windows.
Just like the one where Da and Alo spent all those happy days.
And what's good enough for Da and Alo must be good enough for Francie.
So this is the famous Francie Brady.
Aye, that's right, Father. That's me.
Speak when you're spoken to.
If you were one of mine, I'd break every bone in your body.
It's all right, sergeant. Have no worries about this fella.
I'll look after him. God bless, now.
- Right, Father. - Bye. Look out for them robbers, now.
That's enough out of you.
Them robbers, you can't be up to them.
Well, what do you make of your new home, Mr. Brady?
It's grand. Good enough for pigs.
You'll find no pigs here.
The incredible school for pigs.
Very well, then, I'll expect you in chapel for prayers before tea.
We're here the longest in this school. Right, boys?
- Right. - Anyone gives you trouble, just tell us.
- Isn't that right? - Right.
- Does that mean youse will protect me? - Aye.
The great Al Capone bogman protection racket.
- Who's Al Capone? - AI who?
Who's Al Capone? Who's Al Capone?
- Hey, boys? - What?
What does one flea say to another?
Don't know.
"Will we walk or take the dog?"
That's a great joke. Where'd you learn that joke?
- What's your name? - Algernon Carruthers.
We're pleased to meet you, Algernon.
- Anyone annoys you, tell us. - Because we're the longest in this school.
- Isn't that right? - That's right.
Well, if youse are gonna protect me, youse better follow me.
Well, I never seen anything like those bogmen.
Their bony arses cocked in the air...
...like they're carrying an invisible sack of spuds at the back.
Out with the backside, up with the nose.
And we'll knock seven different kinds of shite out of anyone...
...who lays a finger on Francie Brady.
Come on, boys.
Well, it was sure good in that old school.
All in line like Apaches...
...and Father Bubbles with the big, red country face on him...
...like a Beauty of Bath apple from the walking...
...and me giving the bogmen lessons in how to talk like Al Capone.
Okay, bogmen, let's hear some of that Al Capone lingo.
They ever come here again, we'll kick their arses into their necks.
- Is that right, Francie? - No, we'll rub them out, I told you.
Now, I told you, you bollocks.
- Shut your mouth. - What would...?
What the bloody hell are you at?
I want to see the four of you in my office after tea.
Will you stack them properly, you fool, you?
That's great work, Francie.
You'd never be finished, you know that, Father.
Oh, no?
As soon as the lights went out, wheeze, wheeze, wheeze.
Sleep for them, but not for Francie Brady.
A saint in every windowsill snoring 1 0 to the dozen too.
Quit breathing, youse bastards.
"Poor Francie Brady, " Jesus was saying.
"Isn't it a terrible pity?"
Isn't what a terrible pity?
"I'm only saying, " he says.
No, you didn't answer me. Isn't what a terrible pity?
"Nothing. I didn't say anything. Did you, Patrick?"
"It must have been Gabriel. "
Hey, saints, fuck off, will youse!
Now, mind your language, please, Francie.
You'd think they'd get their shoes dirty.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, no. Walking around in their black skirts and their penguin collars.
- Let them cut their own grass verges. - That's a hardy day, isn't it?
Think they'd do it?
No, but they're quick enough to annoy me when they take the notion.
"Oh, you missed a bit here," he says.
"You missed a bit there."
Fuck him and his grass verges.
Me that fought with Michael Collins in the troubled times.
- Which Collins was that, now? - There you are, Jimmy.
I was wondering about this grass verge over here at the side.
Oh, aye, oh, aye. Oh, surely, Father. Do you know what?
- Wasn't I about to cut it this very minute? - Well, you have to keep on top of them.
- Can't afford to let it go for a minute. - No, you cannot, indeed, Father.
Well, them bogmen liked their porridge. They certainly did.
Mind you, the old school wasn't that bad.
And it was the best school in the world the day that old letter came from Joe.
- You know where I met Joe first? - Joe who?
Who do you think? Joe Purcell.
I don't know any Joe Purcell.
Man, but you're a bogman.
Joe Purcell, the boy who wrote this letter.
I never get any letters.
- Well, aren't youse gonna ask me? - Ask you what?
Where I met him first.
Where did you meet him first?
It was at the fountain.
- It was at the fountain. - There aren't any fountains around our way.
"Dear Francie, you idiot. What were you doing?
Were you trying to burn down the Nugents' house?
There's all sorts of stories about you.
You'll have to lay off Phillip. Phillip isn't that bad. "
At first I thought it was a joke...
...Joe saying Phillip won a goldfish at the carnival and gave it to him.
Phillip at the carnival with Joe? I knew it was a joke.
But then, I says, maybe it wasn't.
Maybe Phillip did win a goldfish.
And worst of all, maybe Joe took it.
"Times are tough, Jimmy," he says.
A shilling rise is all he could manage.
Maybe next year.
Fucking sky pilot!
I'd give them that.
You see?
If you were friends with someone...
...and this other person gave you a goldfish...
...the other person you were friends with...
...would you take it?
If who gave it to you?
The other fella.
Bedad, now. I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't know much about goldfishes in the heel of the hunt to be straight with you.
Okay.
Doesn't matter anyway.
I thought about it for a while. Then I says, I won't think about it.
I won't. I won't. I won't.
There won't be no more goldfish and carnivals for me.
Goldfish and carnivals...
...the end.
I'm glad to see you're learning manners, Francie.
Thank you, Father.
Now...
So I've seen them all come and go.
Since the very first day I came here as a fresh, young curate myself.
There's our founder, Francie, now. Father Cleary.
Is it, now, indeed, Father?
"Was it him founded the school for bogmen with bony arses?" I says.
I did, like fuck.
Father Cleary had a saying:
"No boy is so bad that you can't find a scrap of goodness in him."
But what did Joe have to take it for?
Why, why, why?
Why didn't he say, "Sorry, Phillip. You can keep your goldfish.
You're nothing to do with us "?
Then it came to me.
Joe only took the goldfish so there would be peace between us all.
And when I came home, me and Joe would just carry on the way we had.
The devil makes work for idle hands, you see, Francie.
And there's no flitter of badness that good, fresh country air...
...and hard work can't cure.
And that was the end of the goldfish, because from now on I was gonna be good.
If anyone was looking for Francie the Bad Bastard, they wouldn't find him...
...because he was busy getting the Francie-Not-a-Bad-Bastard-Anymore diploma.
And soon I'd be out, and where would I be then?
Right at the fountain with the one and only Joe Purcell, king of all time.
When I see you out there on the bog, Francie, bending your back...
...I know there's goodness in you.
But, Father...
Yes, Francie?
Do you know what I'd like to do better than cutting turf and grass verges?
What, Francie?
I'd like to be an altar boy, Father.
By God, Francie, you're full of surprises.
And the Francie-Brady-Not-a-Bad-Bastard- Anymore Award goes to...
Begod! I think it's Francie Brady.
And so it was that the blessed Virgin Mary appeared...
...to three small children who were chosen by her.
Three beautiful little servants of God...
...chosen to deliver her special message...
...for she knew that the soul of a child...
...is the purest of all.
What do you see? What do you see?
- Here, what the hell is going on here? - We don't know.
- What are you looking at? - Get back to work when you're told to.
Get back to work when you're told to. Get off. Get off.
Did she speak to you, Francis?
No, she just looked.
- I think she might speak the next time. - Francis.
I think you've unlocked something very precious.
Thank you, Father.
Now, come on inside, tell me all about it.
So you've unlocked something very precious, have you?
Old bollocks.
The Balubas didn't give them half enough.
- Balubas? - Yeah, the Balubas.
They had the clothes and all off from over in Africa...
...and in the cooking pot about to light the sticks when the army come.
You don't think he was like that all his life, do you?
Fresh day, Francie.
Good boy.
Hello, Francie.
Hello, Our Lady.
How are things?
Not so bad, but I was a bit worried there for a while.
- But I'm okay now. - Worried, Francie?
What were you worried about?
The goldfish.
Goldfish?
What goldfish, Francie?
The goldfish Phillip gave to Joe.
Francie...
...you know you shouldn't worry about those things.
Joe is your friend, isn't he?
Yes, Our Lady.
Of course he is.
You know, there's a particular reason why she chose you, Francie.
It's because you're so special.
Worrying my head about goldfish.
She says I have no sense.
A young fella like you...
...with his life before him...
...what call have you to be worried?
- Francis? - Yes, Father?
Would you tell me about it again?
The first time you saw her.
Well, the first time, there was this perfume...
...and then there was this smell.
I didn't know what it was...
...until these rose petals started falling out of the sky...
So there I am telling him the story...
...and the next thing his hand is jiggling in his pocket.
What are you doing, Father Tiddley? Pay attention. You're worse than the Nugents.
This is amazing facts about Our Lady I'm telling you, and you're jiggling away there.
Come on, what are you playing at? Next, he bends over shaking.
I thought he was gonna break into halves. I'd be in a fix if that happened.
"Just what is one half of Father Tiddley doing over by the bookcase...
...and the other on the floor?"
Don't you be bothering your head about it, Father.
Come out from under those hands, now.
What I don't know is why she never appears to us.
Maybe it's only to fellas called Francie.
Do you think she has nothing better to do...
...than appear to muck-savage bollockses like you?